archeress, rhymes with queen

2007 went out like a lamb. we rang in the new year with eva green, a cowboy aeronaut, and an armored bear. plus, a couple of jugs of junmai-ginjo okuden kantsukuri ('mirror of truth'). hello 2008.

raise the rent

this is what happens when you die alone in new york city. in this case, a woman who was in her 90s. the door gets sealed by the police. landlord happily plans the rent increase.

xmas flu

copyranter brought down by the bug, held down by the cat

first film job

i think this might be the first time i was ever on an actual film shoot. In college, at LMU in Los Angeles, out behind the dorms, beyond the parking lot, in the field of yellow flowers--venezuelan filmmaker, francisco moreno (above), surveys the location before filming. not far beyond/below this field, was the pacific ocean.

the film was a story about central america. i remember baking a large cake (moreno wanted green frosting with yellow letters like on a map) and cutting it into the shape of central america. the two "generals" --one shown below, argue at a table in the middle of the field, and then they "divide" the land, or cut the cake with a huge knife. note the wardrobe addition of a dollar bill taped like a medal to the uniform.



the woman above (white shirt) was named michelle and i remember that she was from beverly hills and her parents kept a cover on their swimming pool during the winter, and that i swam around in there one night under the cover, which was about two feet off the surface of the water. everyone else was inside watching the academy awards on her parents' giant tv.

so i guess my very first film job was as a food stylist. imagine that. i'm sure there are condos all over that field now.

what has been mankind's greatest invention?

The aeroplane?
Space travel?
The computer?
The internet?
Drugs?
The i-phone?
Major League Baseball?
Labiaplasty?
The A-bomb?

No, no, no, and no.


The greatest invention is the vigorous hot shower.

...something I have not been able to experience lately, due to the petty whims of a lazy and probably micro-penised building superintendent. I am thinking of moving to New Jersey. Seriously.

Or maybe I should go back to Arizona, from whence I came.

things to wake up to

list of things acceptable to wake up to at 4:30 am:

-your lover's hands
-a call from the lottery sweepstakes winner confirmation team
-rain storm


list of things not acceptable to wake up to at 4:30 am:

-your super's dog barking incessantly

keeping score

Canyon del Oro High School Doroados state champs. I was their scorekeeper, and Karen Linn and Julie ? were the bat girls. I remember the names of almost all the players, many of whom I had known since the second grade. Steve Burk, Hank Winter, Chuck and Tim Grady, Dale Heinz, Greg Cohen, Jeff LeCompte, the coach (moustache) Roger Werbylo. The pristine Pusch ridge behind us, now covered with mcmansions, townhouses and senior living communities. i still love baseball.

making and then waking the dead

film crew sits around getting ready for the rising of the dead sheriff.
boring, hot, dusty day on the set.



creature effects by MMI

these beautiful clouds are the reason

that i got stranded and had to spend the night on the floor of the chicago o'hare airport last week. planes don't fly when there's lightning. and when scores of flights are cancelled, and it's late at night, hotels are full, restaurants closed, and the "cots" provided by the city (otherwise used in homeless shelters i imagine) are all taken. so you lie down behind the baggage conveyor belt, with about fifty other people, and listen to annoying recorded announcements that continue all through the night. people go outside to smoke and then can't get back in until 5am. it was very surreal. it's not for the weak or the neurotic. i had some trouble with it.

when i got to arizona, 30 hours (!) after leaving la guardia, karen's prius picked me up all by itself. i thought i was hallucinating from lack of sleep, but no, i'm pretty sure it was actually driving itself. note the outside temperature, and also the miles per gallon (wow).



the prius told some jokes and cheered me up, and after sleeping for 17 hours straight, i pulled it together and went, late, to my meetings.

fuck o'hare and all the overbooked airlines and their federal bailouts and their CEO bonuses and their brain-dead representatives, and their stupid recorded announcements "if you see something, say something..." ...okay, i see a thousand people stranded like refugees, everything from japanese businessmen in expensive suits, to elderly people, all lying on the floor of the airport. that's what i see. and i see an american woman crying over by the baggage conveyor." hello? is anyone there?

i can't wait to get home.

no one in his/her right mind...

...would go to arizona in july. well, i have to do it.
this time of year, as eleanor reminded me, you have to be a night owl to survive there.

this is the house where i grew up on pusch ridge. it was built by my dad, and his friend pete, a yaqui indian. we had trees growing inside. the big italian tile bathtub didn't drain very well. my mom bitched about that for years. otherwise it was pretty cool.

and tigger, the desert cat, who got eaten by a coyote at some point. i totally loved that cat.

all in a day's work

Okay, back to business---this is another matching game. Match things that were said to me on some film job somewhere, with the person who said it.


1. I never fly commercial.

2. I only fly commercial.

3. I don't fly.

4. You see that camera? You see this face? Don't ever get in between.

5. I don't need a hotel, I'm sleeping on Emilio's couch.

6. (sung) It's Saturday night and I ain't got nobody, I got some money 'cos I just got paid...

7. Who called? (me: Stephen Baldwin again) Aw christ. He keeps inviting me to his party, and I have to go to because it's Alec's little brother. Come on, guys, let's all just go, what the hell. (groans from Alan Ruck and Christian Slater)

8. Did you pack my suitcase for me? Did you get everything? (me: absolutely, yes) I mean, did you look in the bathroom? (yes, it's all taken care of) Are you sure you looked in the bathroom? (yes, I promise) You got everything?...Where are we moving to tonight?

9. Can we stop at the store on the way to the hotel? I need to buy some underwear.

10. Can you ask Kelly Householder to come in here and give me a blowjob?

11. My cellphone is NOT WORKING. GOD DAMMIT I NEED MY CELLPHONE. JESUS CHRIST, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO? (me: we're in a rock canyon, 400 feet on all sides, I don't think any phone will work down here). GET ME A PHONE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, I NEED A FUCKING PHOOOOOOONE!!!!!!


A. Richard Chamberlain


B. Lou Diamond


C. Oliver


D. J Peter Robinson (who?)


E. Gianni Bonjovi


F. Don Johnson


G. Jobeth Williams


H. Emilio


I. Billy Petersen


J. Rick Moranis


K. Ellen Barkin

archeress's june baseball report

"Paul-Lo-Du-ca" clap, clap, clap clap clap.

Today the Mets finished a sweeping win over the A's, and from the behind-home-plate VIP seats (thanks to the boyfriend's work clients), we watched closely and cheered. It was fun going to Shea last year, and it was fun AGAIN!

We saw Jose Reyes's "run home" (not exactly a home run) in the first inning, and the day just kept getting better. We learned a few things, such as the young Carlos Gomez is truly faster than light. And, built like a tall brick shithouse. And, we witnessed the sound of a John Maine 93mph fastball into the glove of Paul LoDuca (thwack!, or was it fwhhoppt!). Mostly I just enjoyed the game, but I managed a few photos of some of my absolute favorite athletes (when the pieces of shit are playing well, that is).

today's most valuable player, Jose Valentin.


the girls can't get enough of David Wright, but he doesn't yet have a snappy name song.


okay, he ain't Beltran, but he does have nice form.


85 degrees and Rick still kept his coat on.


elegant relief pitcher, has very long hands.


okay, the Lo-Duca bobble-head dolls were only for the kids, 12 and under...

the frisbee, 2007

incoming platter


we celebrated 50 years of the Frisbee, formerly known as the "Pluto Platter". okay, we didn't know until today that it was the anniversary, so we celebrated (yesterday) without realizing it.

le champ

did you just say that?

this is a matching game. match the quote with the person who said it to me. these were some of the "funnier" ones.

1. "I've been a junkie for five years and I swear this is the first time my face has broken out."

2. "No, my girlfriend does NOT stay in my hotel room. She has her own room, okay? Make sure that happens."

3. "You sent. a person. with black skin. to pick me up. at the airport."

4. "My wife and I take vacations away from one another." me: "you mean, for a few days?" "more like, a few months."


A. rodney dangerfield


B. jenny "lawnmower man" wright


C. anthony zerbe


D. edie "ferris bueller" mcclurg

hello sailors!

we had a memorial day fleet week sighting all the way uptown! how cute are they! one of them had a lot of colorful bars and stripes. just boys, hard to imagine all the things they've seen. "thank you" and "god bless" just doesn't cut it.

name some names or shut up

Every quarter, the various film unions (this one, SAG) print the names of production companies that have defaulted on their requisite payroll, pension and health contributions, royalty payments, or otherwise. The business is absoultely full of liars and cheaters, but "the unfair list" tells you absolutely nothing. Production company names are nothing more than temporary LLCs set up for the sole purpose of being quickly dissolved and untraceable, while the actual people who run the companies just move from one to another, without being held accountable for anything.

France photos

Rather than go on and on about the most amazing trip, with the most wonderful person, I will simply post a few of our photos and leave it at that. It was indescribable.

do i miss working on movies?

sometimes yes, more frequently, no. it's not unlike being a carny or working for ringling brothers and barnum and bailey. once in awhile, you get a job where you can live in the same place for many months, which is nicer, because you feel like you really live in the town, experience things as a "local", even though it's an apartment with rented furniture and you never see the bills for any of it.

this photo of bruce glover (the "dealer") and jimmie skaggs is one of my favorites because of its irony. glover, who plays the good guy in the movie is actually an asshole in real life, and jimmie, who plays the bad guy, is (was) the sweetest, most lovely man you could ever hope to meet. i just read on imdb that skaggs died of lung cancer a couple of years ago. why the good people? why?

"NBK" Productions

I always wondered why film production companies would have such silly made-up sounding names. I already wrote about the time I got stuck having to tell the US Air Force I was with "Commies from Mars" productions, with a straight face. Early on, I didn't understand the whole 'limited liability corporation' separation from the parent company reasoning. Same situation working on the Oliver Stone movie, Natural Born Killers-- why couldn't I just say I was with Warner Brothers? Imagine trying to rent out an entire motel complex in a small town, explaining to the nice people that sometime around midnight, a tired, wired, cranky, uh, self-medicated movie crew of almost 300 people would be checking in, and the name is, "Killers".



This was the dumb business card they gave me when they hired me as the advance unit manager. Was I supposed to hand-write my name in the middle there? Luckily I don't look very much like a killer, and I was able to pull off the motel stunt night after night across three states, but christ they make it difficult with the stupid names. Fortunately, Oliver's accountant, B.A. Stein [god bless this woman] kept me supplied with ten grand in petty cash at all times, so I could go for awhile without writing any of the "NBK" checks. The motel people never even knew what movie it was that came through town.

pet food recall

the problem is solved at our house.
no more tender vittles for awhile.
end of discussion.

Juke Joint

Po’ Monkey's Juke Joint in Marigold, Mississippi, a patched-up sharecropper shack that has swayed with rhythms and blues for nearly 50 years.

I just love the look of this place. It would cost a Hollywood film producer a good amount to try and recreate this simple scene, and of course, it would never be "as good".

An actual place, as shown recently in the New York Times.

sole survivor?

Based on a 1954 novel, the filming of I AM LEGEND completed in New York City recently, with spectacular and complicated set designs and stunts. I know that my two readers will recognize this photo of a burned-out car on Washington Square North. We wondered what was up with the wrecked cars all over one of the city's most beautiful blocks, and the camo netting covering planters in the park. In the story, Will Smith plays the sole survivor of a vampire plague, an Army doctor who stays behind on the island of Manhattan after the whole place is evacuated. I guess the Shepherd survives as well.

back from the desert

coming in for a landing

City-boy (mostly) Copyranter came out to the Arizona homestead. He saw some cactus, lizards, prairie dogs, peccaries, and a coyote. He ate some mexican food in the barrio. He seems to have survived the ordeal.


not ranting


bobcat at the desert museum


my spiky aloe vera garden

famous for absolutely no reason

Does anyone remember Angelyne? She would show up to premieres and restaurant openings in L.A. in her pink corvette. She didn't quite look like the billboards in real life. The rumor was that her husband was an oil sheik, who paid for the ads (and the corvette). My loops are actually bigger than hers, however.

March 3, 2007 7:30pm ET

Saturday night, lunar eclipse on a full moon over Manhattan. Fun.

Skiing with Kiefer

The film crew photo is a genre all it's own. There is the full crew deal, where everyone is summoned away from their lunch to an area of the set that seems appropriate, and the stills photographer takes a few, which are then printed and distributed. It's often at the tail end of a shoot, when most, if not all of the important actors have wrapped and gone home. There is also the inner circle crew photo, usually just of specific departments. Before digital cameras, the polaroid was king of the set, at about a dollar or two per photo.

Here we are after skiing on the Sunday off, with Kiefer Sutherland (purple in center), me, a young Balthazar Getty (front, with bag of chips), the location manager Michelle (pink), some art department guys (and gal, Patricia), the TomKats catering guy (red sweater), and some grips. Kiefer is an example of a famous actor who doesn't need rehab. Totally professional and nice to everyone.

His assistant was not a hot young girl, but rather a hand-me-down who had worked for his father, Donald, for many years. Maurice Dunster, Kiefer's man-assistant was an older British bloke who spoke in cockney rhyming slang all day (mind your plates!). Maurice must have done a good job taking care of everything, because I never had to do anything annoying or special for Kiefer. Too bad that show he's on now glorifies torture. That is a drag.

Is it love? Or just a dopamine rush.

Few artists have provided more target practice for cupid since the mid-60s than Jim Dine. Above, a crane lowers a 4,500-pound bronze heart, half of Dine's Two Big Black Hearts at the Hirshhorn in 1985.

For someone who has had some miserable Valentines days over the years, I am still obsessed by love, or as the scientists say, that chemical reaction of receptors and neurotransmitters that create the energy and motivation to not only be with someone, but to do things in daily life with that extra focused attention and exhilaration that you have when you are under the spell.

How to make love stay? Tom Robbins had list of tactics in Still Life with the Woodpecker, all involving superstitious potions, cheesecake from Junior's Deli on Flatbush Avenue, and peeing out your bedroom window.

I think love notes are key. Words for me are very seductive. Some of my favorite love notes from the past and present...








Happy Valentine's Day. Love will be there in the morning.

troubled soul

People thought Griffin O'Neal (center) might have talent after he starred in Caleb Deschanel's The Escape Artist. I found him to be kind of tender-hearted, even if fucked up, and I got the impression that the only person he cared about (really), was his sister Tatum. I also got the impression his father was totally toxic. I never had any problems with him during production, just a sweetie, I thought. Photo-- by the pool on a day off from Killer Bimbos, with David Sherrill and Jamie Bozian. I hope he gets his shit together.

From Paper to Screen

from paper to film set...to a museum in Reno(!)



The most interesting part of working on media-related projects, for me, has been the chance to make something large from something small. The realization that a piece of paper--a half-assed idea in someone's mind or on their computer, can be blown up into a tangible object, or into an image that might be seen or heard by millions of people. The first time I realized this concept was in fifth grade, when we moved into a house that my dad built with his friend Pete, a Yaqui Indian, that I had seen being worked out on paper on the kitchen table for a long time, but then there it was standing there. And again, after choreographing a routine in my bedroom junior year of high school, that was later performed by a line of dancers at a U of A football game. Seemed funny to me, being on the giant field doing that routine to Superstition on loudspeakers, more or less the same thing that was figured out on the rug at home, with the cassette player. From small to bigger.

don't forget your ira contribution, people

In January, 1963, Howie Young was on the cover of SI. By 1990, he was living out of the back of a camper shell pickup truck, with his wife and dog. They traveled from town to town, where Howie would occasionally pick up day player parts on movies, from producers who were old enough to remember him.

drugstore cat

"Prozac", the Hilltop Pharmacy cat, knows what to do on a cold day.
She sleeps among the Christmas crap sale items under the heat lamp.
She is not for sale though.

i learned a new funny poem

sophomores: you never know what's going on in their heads. this past semester, one of my students wrote a piece of music based on the poetry of denise duhamel. i told them all i didn't care if they set an ad from the yellow pages or a dirty limerick from the internet. the point was counterpoint. they had to observe the rules of counterpoint. the quiet shy one set the following text for two voices and a cello, like a little Bach partita allemande:

Him-Whose-Penis-Stretches-Down-To-His-Knees

Everyone knows not to have sex after handling a corpse.
But Him-Whose-Penis-Stretches-Down-To-His-Knees
pointed to his groin and said,
"This big fellow isn't afraid of taboos." His wife warned him, but he just laughed as he rolled her onto her back.
The next day a huge raven rose up from a boulder
and grabbed the penis of Him-Whose-Penis-Stretches-Down-To-His-Knees.
The raven tugged as though the penis were a frozen piece of fish.
The raven tugged until he tore off most of the penis, then flew away.
Now people from the village point to the man
whose urges couldn't wait one more day.
They taunt him by calling out his new name: Him-Whose-Penis-
Barely-Peeps-From-Its-Cave.


i googled the poet and read her other poems too. i learn so much from my students. jesus christ i'm glad i didn't sit in an office all semester in front of a computer. i would have missed grading this assignment, which was really well done, by the way. i could easily hear it in four parts like Bohemian Rhapsody.

resolution

this year i spent most of the time beating my head against what must have been a brick wall, in retrospect. i would beat one side for awhile until it was numb, and then turn around and beat the other side. sometimes i would beat directly on the back or in the front or i would drag my head down the bricks so that my hair would get bloody.

i vow to not do that anymore in 2007.



a mostly good cat i love unconditionally. goodbye 2006, don't let the door hit you in the ass....

the best christmas

over the years, if i think about the best christmases, i have to say my thoughts wouldn't include the new canaan mansion in-law parties with the egg nog and the "thank you so much for the LL bean tote bag," nor would they include the "i cooked a fabulous seven-course meal for a dozen people" either. i would lean more towards one of these visions from years past:

-making and serving beef stew to homeless people at the soup kitchen set up by the b'nai b'rith synagogue on the upper west side.
-going for a hike in the catalina mountains with my favorite relatives and having a huge picnic on a picnic table at the trail head before coming home to nap the rest of the day.
-performing songs from charlie and the chocolate factory with my friends at a bunch of children's wards and old folks homes (the children's cancer ward at any hospital is a tough place to smile and sing, let me tell you, but i was dressed as a fairy princess (of course) and they all wanted to touch my dress and be magic wanded, so i had to suck it up).
-under a tree on the beach in mexico half sleeping, half listening to the waves, while my mom read her book: the origin of consciousness in the breakdown of the bicameral mind (good god that was embarrassing).

things i would like to have for christmas:

-new rosanne cash CD (cash CD, that's cool)
-a tight "team Rosie" t shirt to wear around mid-town.
-good health for me and all my loved ones

to die for? probably.

we went. the first day. earlier show. gorgeous movie theater, the ziegfeld. anyway, this damn movie opens with a free running sequence that is unforgettable. what must have taken a week or two to shoot plays out in about ten or fifteen minutes of a chase, featuring a world class parkour champion, and, of course, james bond. it's breathtaking.



we actually see bond fall in actual love. i don't recall ever seeing that in a bond film before. the shower scene...it's indescribable. he's so tough but also pathetic and insecure, struggling the entire time. the beautiful, independent-thinking women all die, of course. the torture scene is abu-ghraib and i could do without it. but daniel craig is dreamy and funny and in ridiculous shape. i just had to write a post about it.

sorry you had to be killed for christmas

a magnificent three-story tall evergreen was put to death recently. it is on view for the next several weeks in front of the arch at washington square park, where you can watch its beauty slowly desiccate. some shiny christmas balls hanging from the arch would have sufficed for me.

home for the holidays update

update: the "skywalk" (okay? it's not really a bridge, i admit). The Skywalk is not open yet. It is taking a little longer than planned to actually get it all done. There is some process called "Jack and Roll" that still has to be completed. As soon as it's open ("first quarter of 2007" they say - sounds a little vague), I will go, and I will invite anyone who wants to come with me.


I'm going to Arizona this week. Things to do: see the glass bridge that is supposed to be finished now. I'm not afraid of heights.

other types of animals

People seemed to like my working animals post, so I will continue that theme one more time. There are other species of working beasts on the movie location circuit. Most visible and noisy would be that which is called "stuntman". It takes a special man to flip a car or jump off a cliff. When they hang around the production office, they like to preen and display their feathers. Their call is "any messages for me?"



Stuntman Randy Peters. Yes, that was his name.

Next is the sub-category of stuntplayer (the technical term) called the "wrangler". This one can do all kinds of tricks while on horseback. They don't preen as much, at least not in public. Their call is "yes, ma'am".


Kane Hodder in Ghost Town

And last but never least, there is the related variety called the "teamster". They are basically car and truck hounds. They know how to fix things. Their call is, "where we goin for lunch?"


Transpo coordinator, Gary Hellerstein

working animals i have loved

A black wolf hybrid on the movie Natural Born Killers. (full-blooded wolves don't have blue eyes the trainers said.)
He literally had crap on his paw one morning, and jumped up on me because i was probably trying to pet him. (you don't really "pet" a wolf, even a tame one. they don't wag their tails like dogs. they have a much more steely disposition, obviously.) So I walked around with wolf crap on my white tshirt for the rest of the day. "hey g--, how come you got mud on your shirt? it's not mud, it's wolf shit. oh, you were in the pen again? yep." how many people get to do that at work?















Here I am having a conversation with Blink, the "retrieve" raven trained by Harry Potter wizards Gary Gero and Mark Jackson. She could pick up stuff with her beak and carry it as she flew. She tried to pick up the receiver on the phone in my hotel room once. Her favorite food: bloody raw horsemeat, fed by hand.



Little "Tex" the armadillo from the WASP video.



Shar-peis are weird looking as all hell. They look like
sea manatees. Looks better than me, though, christ what was with those bangs? and fugly outfit.



Fargo's chickens getting a drink of water on the set of Young Riders.


















Trying to figure out where Eddie Money lived while working on At Close Range outside of Nashville, I think these were his colts. omg they were so cute. Cropped out my large ass, oh yes i did.







Kissing a rattlesnake ( i try to love all creatures) in the Mohave desert for a lame ass TV movie, Dalton Code of Vengeance with Charlie Haid and Tex Cobb. It's illegal to bring rattlers across state lines, so snake wranglers would have to catch them in the state where they would be filmed, "milk and de-fang," place them in the shot, and then take them back out and set them free again. I'm sure that wasn't legal either but that's how they did it. Fangs grow back like sharks' teeth, and pretty quickly too. I saw a lot of snakes over the years, needless to say.